I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
