i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
