and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize