Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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