textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Randomize
