I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
