I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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