you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
