Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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