Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
