She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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