You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize