So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
