So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize