He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
