i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
