So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
