I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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