My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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