Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We left an ass print on the piano.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
