One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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