Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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