What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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