According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize