Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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