I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Can Purell be used as lube?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
