I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
