I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
