okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
