I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
