I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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