the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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