You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
