if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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