how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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