i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
