Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
