I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize