I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My vagina is officially offended.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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