my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
