I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You can't just leave with hair like that
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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