I'm lost and stupid without you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
