I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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