I wish I could teleport
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
