the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
