is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
