I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
