So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
