Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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