you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will be naked everywhere
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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