U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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