Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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