you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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