I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I would ride that face into the sunset
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
