did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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