How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
