Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize