sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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